kia

oh so I just never seem to post stuff on here, i'm so much more of a myspace person. well I am at Wilson now, kind of hating it right now. I miss Jacob terribly. I miss my silky baby too. I don't really know what to say, I'm just really bummed, have been really bummed. man my legs are itching like crazy from bug bites, that is all I can think about right now. fuck.

jacob is playing his first show on wed. and I'm going to miss it because I have an 8am class the next day. this makes me want to cry. he's actually playing guitar and singing, not just playing drums at this show, playing songs that he wrote. I can't believe I'm gonna miss it because of a stupid class. fuck.

ok i'm not gonna keep bitching even though that is all I feel like doing anymore, guess I'm just in a horribly negative mood because of all this school shit. fuck.

haven't been here in awhile. I don't really have anything to talk about...so I did this instead.

You Have A Type A- Personality

A- You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

ok so I've not done a whole lot this week but spend time with Jacob, which I couldn't ask for anything more. this past week has been awesome. I can't explain how happy I've felt with him back. Everything seems right again. the first three days he was back we just spent laying around talking to each other, ahhhh that was wonderful. everything seems so much better, even eating is better simply because I'm eating with him. the only thing that has sucked is that Jacob has been under a lot of stress. stress sucks ass! there is the lack of money and needing to get jobs and the band thing among other stuff. the band thing has been very stressful, I never wanted him to feel like he had to choose between me and our life together and the band, but I think that's what he's been feeling. well the band may be no more anyways. I think jacob is no longer in the band. am I happy about this? in many ways yes. i mean it'll suck if they make it big and Jacob is like well that could've been me, but I mean I can't say that I'm sad about him not being in the band, I don't like being away from him and that's what happens when he's in the band. I want him to be happy, so if being happy means being in the band, I'll be cool with it, if being happy means he's not in the band, I'll be cool with that too. I just want him to be happy, and for me to hopefully be part of his life and part of that happiness. man I love him!

i've never really done one of these before so here is my first one.

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already. In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth. </td> Buddhism 79% paganism 71% Hinduism 67% Islam 63% agnosticism 58% Satanism 54% atheism 38% Christianity 29% Judaism 29% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

He's home, he's finally home! I am soooooooo happy, I can't even begin to describe how happy I am. It feels so awesome to have him here with me. the past two and a half days have been amazing, spent eating good food, laying around and talking(a lot), and just being, together, happy! oh it's so wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!!!!!! oh i'm giddy! smiles smiles smiles. he's sitting here playing guitar right now, wow, he's hot! and silky is out running around, she's so cute. this is perfect, this is my family now, and finally we're all back together again like we're supposed to be. I love him sooooooo much!

ehhh...just saw this on the news. remeber johan jackson? I don't know maybe he graduated before most of you other forensics kids hit high school, but I'm sure you all have at least heard stories about him. well appearently he is part of the biggest meth lab ever in hamblen county. go here to read on www.citizentribune.com

ok so actually it is only 2:06 in the morning, but hey whats 40 minutes or so. ehhhh....I feel like screaming....how do I scream on this thing, besides typing in all capitals? I feel like exploding. I don't know what to feel or how to act or what to do, and the only person that can tell me how to feel and how to act and what to do is myself. but me and myself, well we don't really know each other very well, you know it might just be a bit awkward for me to ask myself such tough and demanding questions in our first conversation. myself might not like me too much, might spit in my face or kick me, i mean you never know right? so I know what you are all thinking, Kia has gonna cuckoo or is on something, and the truth is that I am neither. I have just been sitting around by myself over analyzing crap way too much today. today has not been a good day at all. today has been a very shitty day. a day full of waiting and pacing and worrying and thinking and dreading and...and hating while loving at the same time. isn't it odd how sometimes such opposite emotions can collide and become almost the same? hating because I love is that it? no I want to love because I love. questions, so many damn questions. what to do? how to deal? do I even want to deal? no I don't. WHY? yes most definitely why? and was this just the beginning? but most of all was that the end? please PLEASE I want the answer to be yes, YES that was the end. but I can't ask for that answer, even though I so desperately want it. so back to do I want to deal and what to do? I do not know. I do however know that none of this probably makes any sense to any of you out there reading this, like anyone ever really reads it anyways. eh whatever, typing is so much easier than writing it down by hand. still not 2:45 damn.

ok so kind of a lot has happened in the past week. first off let me start with....drum roll please.....Jacob is coming home this WEEKEND!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! I'm so excited I could pee on myself. I can't wait to see him. it feels like forever since I saw him last. ahhhh....that makes me happy.

ok what else? so last weekend I spent in Asheville with Kim, Ali, John, and all the other wilson kids. we saw Kim's vagina...ok well we saw her in the Vagina Monologues. it was great. I got Kim chocolate orgasms (otherwise known as those little round chocolate thingys you get at like coffee shops) as a gift. ummm...after the play we went to IHOP and I've not laughed so hard in such a long time. My damn sides were hurting. Ali and john are so hilarious. oh and I ate this cream filled french toast with strawberrys....ahhhhh...it was definitely drool worthy. after that it was ouija time. went to bed at like 6 or 7 had to be up at 9:30, was not and john was very late to work but oh well. we had yummy lunch with the Brewers, they are so sweet, i love that family.

well after that I spent every day up till thursday with mom. ate lots of good food. went to knoxville a lot. went and saw jacob's family. Ashley, jacob's niece, is so damn cute. but she was too shy to even look at my mom. hehe, she did the same thing with me though when she first met me.

thursday night Kelli came over and spent the night. I love Kelli. We sat up and talked until like 4 am. I really enjoyed it, Kelli and I need to hang out more often. friday we got up around 10 to go to the gatlinburg tournament. we ate at The Best Italian resturant...so yummy. we didn't have to judge the first two rounds that were going on when we got there so we just roamed around and watched The Grudge, which I didn't much care for, I thought it was kinda stupid. then we judged Quarters, I got storytelling YAY my favorite. didn't really see anything wonderful though...what happened to all the good stuff from back in the day? well after quarters Kelli and I went to stop in and say hello to Jacob's mom. she gave us free candy which was very cool. then it was off to TGIFridays where I had some delicious jack sesame chicken...ohhhhh...it was goooood. and the best part was that I didn't have to pay for any of my food while I was in gatlinburg....but I've gotta stop that, it's making me feel bad. I'm gonna get a job as soon as I know whats going on with the band, cuz if they go to austin i a couple of weeks I am so going with them and I dont want to have a job get in the way of that.

Saturday was so beautiful outside. I went to goodwill first because it was 50% off day, I love that. then I was like I can't go home yet, it's too pretty out. so I took a drive to panther creek park to take a little walk. I took one of the trails, but unfortunately everyone else had the same idea. there were so many people on the trail, i didn't like that very much. I ended up not going down to the water because there was this huge group of people down there so I just took a picture and turned back.

well now it's slowing down again. I stayed in yesterday watching tv, you know the oscars and such. actually i watched the independent spirit awards the night before and they had what looked to be much cooler movies then what was at the oscars. Garden State won best first feature, that made me happy. at the oscars the only win that really made me happy was best original screenplay which went to Eternal Sunshine, Charlie Kaufman looked so cool with his crazy hair.

ehhh so I'm rambling on now, I can hear the orchestra starting up, so I guess that means I should wrap it up. (that's what happens when you watch two awards shows in a row). ta-ta.

I'm so sad right now, and I don't know why. I thought I was past this, wait I'm kia I'm never past it. I feel lost right now. I feel like crying right now. I feel like smoking a clove right now, but I have none and I've told myself I wouldn't smoke anymore, so that's out of the question. and I don't want to cry, cuz I already do that too much. I don't know what to do. Ok I do know what I should do at the present moment, and that's go to bed cuz I've gotta get up at like 8:30 to do my taxes, and it's already almost 2.

Jacob was online tonight, and I missed him, by like 15 minutes. that really sucks and bums me out. it feels like I'm never gonna see him again. the thought of him actually coming home seems more like a joke or dream than a possible reality. it's as if everything is slipping away, like what we had, did it ever even happen, did I just make it up. why am I feeling like I sitting here in some sort of limbo.

ok so there was a 45 min break since I last wrote that. I just talked to Jacob. Oh god I want to be with him so badly right now. there is no one in the world that i would rather be with than him. I would do anything to be with him. I have never felt like this before, its amazing. sure it sucks right now, but god I can't explain it. could it be possible? is this really happening? this, this is what people talk about. all that romantic idealistic bullshit, perhaps isn't so much bullshit after all. I mean I am crazy in love. I've found what I was looking for, when I didn't even realize I was looking. at the perfect moment, when I was so lost, drained, hopeless, he came along into my life. it was so unexpected.
I was never one for all that fate crap, but at this very moment, it sure hell feels like that's what happend. ok not "fate", but definatly what was supposed to be. it wasn't just coincidence, there was a reason. oh god I'm rambling on and being stupid. silly me. I'm just in love. that feels so good. i'm sad but i'm smiling, wait that sounds like an alanis song, oui. oh but its true. i think i'm being kinda goofy right now. you know i have nothing to worry about, cuz him and I, we're gonna be together for a very long time, and this is only but a small little month in that very long time, so everythings gonna be fine.

man it's weird, like I know I love Jacob, but then sometimes, like right now, it hits me all over again, just how much I love him. it's crazy. it's like Wow, I am really in love with this person, and crazy thing is, he's in love with me also, how in the hell did that happen? it's overwhelming, how much I can care about one person. I didn't think I was capable of it. all I feel right now is love for Jacob, and it makes me smile to think about him. even though I'm sad about him not being here, I really am happy just knowing that he's out there, me loving him and him loving me. ahhh...

so last night I had my first visit to a strip club. wow! that was crazy. of course it was girl strippers so I didn't really get anything out of it, but it still was tons of fun. we were there celebrating birthdays. man the boys were...well...the p word. us girls were right up there in front, right up until the last girl danced. the guys left early! poohie on them. I have never seen so many tits and coochies at one time. Oh my god. crazy I tell ya. then we came home and did the ouija board. after that there was some other craziness, then we all tried to go to bed. yeah right. I didn't fall asleep till nearly 8:30 in the morning. oui, I'm tired. I wanted to go to asheville, but I just can't waste that much gas to go down there right now, and besides john and I will be there on friday.

as for jacob, I have not heard from him since tuesday. this is the longest he's gone without calling me. I really really really really really miss him, badly. but at least i'm not horribly depressed about it currently. i hope it stays that way. I hate being depressed. the days go by so slowly. being with my friends this week has helped soooooo much. I can't even explain how much it has helped. so to kim, mary, kent, chris, nick, john, muffin, kelli, frank, bobby, cana, and alex, THANK YOU so much. I love you all, even if I don't know you that well. keeping me busy and having fun has really made me feel a hundred times better than I had been feeling. the first week he was gone felt like an eternity, but this past week has gone by quite quickly. i like that. i hope the next 2-3 weeks or so goes by just as quickly. oh did I mention that I love you guys? :)

and it kinda tastes like shit. oh well, it's not too bad, but it's not too good either. I made the crust and the sauce from scratch. I don't know why I made it, I wasn't really even hungry.

So I just talked to Jacob. From the sounds of it he is quite miserable. They are having a lot of problems with the bass player and he misses me. Plus I guess it's kinda sucking that he has to sleep on a concrete floor every night. Well anyways I guess things are gonna have to work out with Ira or else they have two options, to find a new bass player there and that means they would actually have to live in austin, like get jobs and a place to stay, or else they are gonna come back and find a new bass player here, and then record...well record who knows where and when. I kinda hope things don't work out and they come back early. I doubt that will happen though. If it doesn't work out though I'll kinda feel bad. I mean that sucks for them cuz they'll have to start all over and it'll be awhile before they can record. whatever happens, I just hope they don't have to stay longer than planned, I don't think I could stand it if he was gone longer. He sounded like he really missed me. it's comforting to know that he's missing me as much as I'm missing him. I love him so much. I can't wait to see him.

Well that past three days have been eventful, finally! Saturday Kim, Mary, Kent, Chris, and Nick came over and spent the night. That was awesome. We went to Pizza Hut for dinner and then watched Napoleon Dynamite. Mary and Nick went to sleep while Kim, Kent, Chris, and I used the Ouija board...for almost 4 HOURS! At first it was rather slow and spelling out things that didn't make sense, but finally we realized it was speaking in acronyms and other languages. Very interesting stuff.

The next morning we went to the cracker barrel for breakfast/lunch. Then it was time to say bye bye...sad times. I went home all sad and yet another night alone. Then around 9 John calls asking me to join him and Kelli at the WaHo. We sat and talked for awhile. Jacob called then and we talked for awhile. Oh God it was great to hear from him. I miss him badly, but talking to him, and him actually sounding like he really missed me made me feel somewhat better. Plus I was in the company of friends. It ended up just being Muffin and I at the WaHo and she invited me to spend the night. I did. We played with the turtle, talked, ate chex mix. It was great. This morning Muffin woke up not feeling well so she went to the doctors instead of go to school and work. We hung out, ate at Shoney's, she bought a gamecube. Then I came home to check on Silk and such. It really helped to be with people. I felt pretty good today. Now I just hope Kim will skip VM pratice so we can go to Charleston this weekend.


"So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go"

Well I finally heard from him. It sounds like he's having fun :( I really want to go to Austin. I also want to dread my hair. hehe. I have a frickin headache right now. I need to get motivated to do something. I know I should be getting a job, but I just don't want to.

"And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree
And i'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well."

He was supposed to call when he got to Austin. He should have arrived there early Tuesday morning. he hasn't called. I'm so worried about him. I have no way of getting in touch with him. If only I had 400 some dollars to blow, I would drive to Austin. Ha, that's funny, I know that I really couldn't drive 1000 some miles to see him, but...it's a nice thought.

Yesterday I spent time with John and Muffin. Muffin played the Simpson's game and then we watched the Forgotten. Fun times.

"True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home"

Well he's gone for awhile. I'm really gonna miss him. it's not even been a full day since I last saw him and it already feels like forever. This is really gonna suck.